Individualism - All Troubles Originates from Human Relationships

The Issue

In the previous article, we talked about how thoughts bring both positive and negative effects to individuals. If we keep thinking about the past and the future, there will be too much to think about. Instead, let's develop the ability to take action right now, so that at some point we will reap the rewards.

"This article series is about individualism, which means living for oneself. It goes completely against the traditional way of life, where we have family, loved ones, friends... Therefore, it is bound to provoke controversy. You are right! I am not a preacher and you don't have to follow what I say in an extreme way. The purpose of these articles is to provide readers with a new experience, and if you want to try it, try applying it wisely".

All troubles originate from human relationships - is it too hasty to conclude like that? Let's imagine a world where there is only oneself, how would you feel then? Can emotions, speech, or even consciousness be formed...? If I put myself in that situation, I certainly cannot imagine it, or to put it differently, I cannot exist.

But life is inherently intertwined with relationships. We have family, friends, acquaintances, or even strangers - at some point, when given the opportunity, we are ready to establish new relationships. In fact, there have been many experiments on isolating individuals from society and they have caused a lot of psychological distress for the participants. All of them lead to the conclusion that "humans are social creatures". In other words, if you are a human, you have to live in a community, and if you are part of a community, there will always be relationships.

We benefit a lot from relationships, such as family love, romantic love, friendship... sometimes they are even the best remedy for mental fatigue or wounds in the soul. But in the opposite direction, not all relationships are good, and sometimes they can cause many problems if not handled properly. So what are those troubles?

Insecurity

Do you often compare yourself to others? It's the same thing, but some people are better at it, they are praised more, they are more attractive, taller, fairer... in short, you always feel inferior to many others. If you can turn those thoughts into a stepping stone to move forward, strive to be better than them or even surpass them, then that's a good thing. But there are things that no matter how hard you try, you still can't achieve as they do, which creates feelings of resentment, envy... gradually, this will turn into a feeling of insecurity.

Insecurity is an emotional state related to low self-esteem. It means feeling less competent than others, not being valued, not being recognized... therefore considering oneself as inferior. In reality, this feeling is just a misconception, it is only speculative.

This misconception is very harmful because no one knows your feelings except yourself. If you realize that insecurity is a bad feeling, then why does it exist? Remember the previous article, insecurity at the moment may bring you some "benefits". Let's try to accept that out of the 8 billion people in the world, there are countless others who are better than us, and those who are better than them; not being as good as others - clearly you have advantages in terms of agility, even loveliness... somehow we always have advantages, but we are being overwhelmed by negative thoughts.

If there is no one outstanding, no one better, then we will never feel insecure. Of course, that cannot happen on this planet, where many people are "ready" to be better than you, at least in some aspect.

The Need for Recognition

If you happen to see a homeless person on the street under the scorching sun, would you stop and buy them some food or a bottle of water? Maybe yes, or maybe not. But if you are a creative person, you will come back to help and then post it on social media to spread the message, and many people will be willing to do that. This is a meaningful action, and even more when it gets spread, many people will see, like, and leave comments. They receive many words of thanks or, in other words, they are recognized by the online community as a good person, allowing them to continue helping others.

Recognition is a basic human need. Because without recognition, life may be meaningless, or at least recognition becomes the driving force for individuals to do good things as mentioned above. What would it be like if you worked hard for a company but your boss didn't recognize you? Or if you worked hard for a better family life, but received the remark of "that's your 'responsibility'"... Maybe it is indeed a "responsibility", but "obviously" they are not recognizing our efforts.

A good relationship is one that benefits both parties. And because both parties benefit, they must make an effort to maintain it. Things will be smooth if neither side has to worry about the other being "up to no good" or "double-crossing". However, human nature always reminds us to be cautious, to observe more. Whenever there are signs, action must be taken. The relationship at that time becomes even more exhausting because you have to constantly be on guard. Many relationships mean life becomes an endless string of vigilance.

As long as you do things to be recognized by others, you will face anxiety. Over time, it will cause fatigue in relationships or even exhaust yourself. In other words, it's like living for the life of others, because everything you do is just to receive their recognition.

Hoping to Change the Inner Self

Surely many people here have tried to change others but received disappointment as a result. Many good words of advice for your friend, but it keeps going in one ear and out the other; explain in detail as much as possible, but your colleague still doesn't understand or doesn't follow through. Prevent your children from doing this or that, but it has no effect, they even do whatever they want.

The words and actions you do all come from your "good" intentions, but somehow they cannot be recognized. Sometimes you even have to think whether everyone is deliberately against you, the more you speak, the more they hate it and do the opposite of what you said.

Clearly, the above reasoning is quite logical but it is not necessarily "correct". According to Adler's perspective (Adler, the founder of individual psychology), there is no right or wrong - good or bad, but there is only "goodness", which is relative to each individual. Regardless of who you are, anything you do comes from self-interest. For example, a thief breaks into a house and steals a lot of money, we clearly see that this action violates the law, and of course the thief knows that, but why does he still do it? Simply because stealing money is "good" for him, with money he can do many things that he thinks are beneficial to himself like eating, shopping...

Your words are "good", but for others, it may not be "good" yet, so if it's not persuasive enough or doesn't provide immediate benefits, they will not follow. Understanding that, no matter how good the things you do are, if they don't bring benefits according to the other person's perspective, they are useless.

Many people live by the motto "thinking for others", which means doing everything with other people first, worrying, caring, giving the best. And if the purpose is not to be recognized, then clearly they are living "for others". But unfortunately, if they don't see your care as a "good" thing, then it is you who suffer the most.

The more you hope or try to change others, the faster you will receive disappointment. The closer someone is, the more it hurts. You will soon realize that you cannot change anyone unless they want to change. "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, it only drinks when it's thirsty".

Conclusion

Above are the three most common sources of troubles for many people. They all originate from the relationships between individuals. If there are no others who are better, we will never feel insecure. If we reach the pinnacle of our career, we will not have to strive for recognition from others. If we can control others to do as we want, we will never feel helpless again.

But in reality, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to achieve them. So if we know the deep-rooted causes of these problems, is there a way to overcome them? Or in other words, how can we "accept" the troubles and even erase them from our minds? We will discuss that in the next article!